Today was the day...

I'm overcome with emotions as I ponder what these last 9 months could have brought me.

Today was the day that Trey and I were supposed to have a healthy baby (girl), but for whatever reason the joy of bearing a child did not come to pass for us this time. And, the truth is I still don't "feel" any better. I realize one day God will give Trey and I a healthy baby, but at this moment, no other baby will replace my first.
For those of you ladies who have miscarried, I am sure you can relate. It seems like every woman you know gets pregnant when you have lost one. I can tell you I have already gone before God on that one. He has already responded to me too. He never ceases to amaze me. I don't want you to think for one minute that I am not excited for those in my life who are pregnant; I am. It just can get a little overwhelming when I think about "what could have been."
There are no words that can express the heartache that resonates throughout my body. There are no words that can be spoken to alleviate the pain. The truth is that if you say it, I have already thought it.
I have a million thoughts running through my head, and I often think about the events that took place during the week that the doctors think I miscarried. I think about God's hand of provision & protection, and particularly the staff meeting that replaced my original doctor's appointment in which I would have heard the heartbeat.

I can assure you that I will be one momma-to-be who does not complain about the "little" things during my next pregnancy. The reason being, it's those little things that lets you know there is a healthy, growing baby inside of you. I can handle the sickness, the weight gain and the swollen "body parts"...in the end it's all worth it!


The next go around for Trey and I will be alot different from our first "announcement." There are just some things that will remain silent until the proper time.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself...I often find this is the easiest way for me to do so!

To my angel: I love you more than you will every know!

In Him,
~Jenni~

Life and Death...

is in the power of the tongue...Proverbs 18:21

Trey has been teaching through the book of James on Wednesday nights. Last night we had an incredible service and the Holy Spirit shook me back into the realization of who it is I am in Him and what it is He has called me to. The end of the service closed like this: Trey called me and another woman up to the front and we got on our knees. Women surrounded us and began to pray by the power of the Holy Spirit. I had many prophetic words spoken over me during that prayer time. "You endured something at a young age that you should have never had to deal with, you carried the "load," you carried shame and guilt, you were oppressed...but it wasn't your fault!" None of these women know my story or what I have been through; the Lord just moved in His power to have these ladies speak the words I needed to hear.
Another lady that was praying over me said that she could see that I was holding onto something--something small like a teddy bear or cat--refusing to let it go and cradling it with all the love I have. At the same time, God was holding me and cradling me so that I could know that He loves me and has as an ultimate plan for my life. My husband had the same vision during this time of prayer and he said that I was holding a child. Trey said that it was me reunited with our little girl--loving and embracing her like only a momma can. Many of you know about the tough year Trey and I have had, so this time of prayer truly touched me in my core and reminded me of the great love that God has for me.

Moving forward: I have had to reprogram my brain to think differently about myself and who I am. If you have ever been around someone who has constantly brought you down, then you too know that it is hard to change your thought pattern after someone has spoken ill over you. Even though some would say I didn't have a "bad" childhood, in many ways, I did. Giving monetarily doesn't replace emotional and mental neglect. At least by my standards it doesn't. True love is not giving of things, resources or money; it is giving of yourself. But if people don't love themselves then they can't give of themselves because they have nothing to give. As a result, children are neglected (emotionally and mentally) because they lack what they really need, LOVE. If there is no love to give then there will be no words of L.I.F.E. spoken over them. There will only be words of discouragement and failure. On the flip side, words of love that have not been spoken are just as painful. I once had a loved one tell me, "I didn't know how to love you." WOW. Can you imagine?
I honestly don't know why or how I am able to love like I do. Wait a minute. I do. JESUS! He is my reason and answer for everything. If we do not have love, we do not have Jesus--Jesus is love.

I will close with this...often times we have the capability of thinking before we speak. I want us to really check ourselves before we speak, especially to a loved one. We don't know what kind of effect that word will have on that person. So choose this day to speak L.I.F.E. This is truly the issue in our society: we can't love our neighbor as ourselves because we don't love ourselves. We don't love ourselves because we have never met the ultimate Lover.

His love never fails!

In Christ's Love,

~Jenni~