I'm overcome with emotions as I ponder what these last 9 months could have brought me.
Today was the day that Trey and I were supposed to have a healthy baby (girl), but for whatever reason the joy of bearing a child did not come to pass for us this time. And, the truth is I still don't "feel" any better. I realize one day God will give Trey and I a healthy baby, but at this moment, no other baby will replace my first.
For those of you ladies who have miscarried, I am sure you can relate. It seems like every woman you know gets pregnant when you have lost one. I can tell you I have already gone before God on that one. He has already responded to me too. He never ceases to amaze me. I don't want you to think for one minute that I am not excited for those in my life who are pregnant; I am. It just can get a little overwhelming when I think about "what could have been."
There are no words that can express the heartache that resonates throughout my body. There are no words that can be spoken to alleviate the pain. The truth is that if you say it, I have already thought it.
I have a million thoughts running through my head, and I often think about the events that took place during the week that the doctors think I miscarried. I think about God's hand of provision & protection, and particularly the staff meeting that replaced my original doctor's appointment in which I would have heard the heartbeat.
I can assure you that I will be one momma-to-be who does not complain about the "little" things during my next pregnancy. The reason being, it's those little things that lets you know there is a healthy, growing baby inside of you. I can handle the sickness, the weight gain and the swollen "body parts"...in the end it's all worth it!
The next go around for Trey and I will be alot different from our first "announcement." There are just some things that will remain silent until the proper time.
Thanks for allowing me to express myself...I often find this is the easiest way for me to do so!
To my angel: I love you more than you will every know!
In Him,
~Jenni~
