I have used the above verse so many times before when I have faced many challenges, but this time, this situation it just doesn't seem to make sense...
When my husband and I found out that we were expecting we were ecstatic. I remember it like it was yesterday.. I handed my husband the pregnancy test as I sat there waiting for a response-a smirk, a wink or even a frown. It seemed like minutes had passed and he said, "We're having a baby!" The look on his face was priceless, not too sure what mine was like?
We hugged and I cried and then we proceeded to call family. We couldn't believe it, just like that, so easy! We were married Feb. 7th 2009 and conceived between March 10-15.
There are couples who try for years and years, depleting their back accounts, all for a baby to call their own.....AND, yet, we were so blessed, so "lucky"!
The feeling of nausea had kicked in at about 6 weeks. Throwing up was part of it and almost every time, my husband was there rubbing my back, he was a trooper!
And, yet, I would give anything right now to be sitting on the floor, vomiting into the toilet. The whole time I kept saying, "I can't complain, I know it could be worse." At this point I wish it would have been worse.
The saying, "You don't know what you have until its gone" is resounding in my head right now. I never got to hold our baby, I made it 68 days, yet all I keep thinking is I never had it. I never got to hold Landon Stone or Haylee Grace but my love was already so strong.
There was a life inside of me that my husband and I both created, what a MIRACLE.
Yet, it was taken from us. Why, I don't know and do I feel like I deserve an answer, you betcha'. But the only answer I keep getting is, "Be Still and Know that I AM YOUR God." Really, through all the challenges I have faced, that's your response??? Child, my grace is sufficient! My strength is made perfect in your weakness.
I look at the events that took place over the last couple of days thinking about what it could have been..."WHAT IS IT," my heart cries? How did the heart just all of a sudden stop beating??
I don't know...all I keep getting is, "Be Still and Know that I AM YOUR God!"
I'm nervous about the ending.... I can't sleep as I ponder what the best decision will be for me, leaving the least amount of trauma behind. I don't know and I care not to think about it. But I have to and, yet, I don't want to.
May 7th- My husband and I headed to the doctor's...I didn't know what I was about to face.
I got their, waited, and they placed us in a room. The doctor came in, looking 7-8 months pregnant, really? Out of all the doctor's who were not pregnant I had to get one that was.
She gave us our options-waiting for my response..."Do I have to make a decision now?" We will see you next week or you can call us if you change your mind. Okay.
So they took some blood and scheduled an appointment for next Thursday.
My decision-I will let my body handle it "naturally." I don't even think natural is the proper word yet it's the only word I could conjure up. I don't know the day or time, I just have to wait. I can't believe this nightmare isn't over yet. There is nothing more frightening than having a life-less baby inside of me....I feel inadequate, that I didn't hold up my end of the deal.
At this point, I'm choosing not to be another statistic but hoping and praying that life will be birthed from our baby's death.
I am still coping and grieving and at this time don't really care to speak to anyone except for my husband and God. Please don't take it personal, I just need time.
I will close for now with this. My husband sent it to me and it hit home oh so very much.
Written by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachery Wasik.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say."
A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice"
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear."I wish I could show you,What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay.They'll wait for you with Me,Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart, it's the love you had so much right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, until their time is done.They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"
