I'm still waiting....I don't know what's worse at this moment-waiting and expecting or the final outcome. I'm still tossing and turning looking for some relief. I know God says to pray without ceasing but I'm wondering if He has pressed mute on me. My prayers seem to be redundant, I can only speak what my heart feels at the time. And every time it is the same thing.
Closure- do people really ever experience closure? Or do we call it peace-may the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. And are they the same?
My wonderful, amazing, and supportive husband called Atlanta Fetal Maternal Medicine (AFMM) yesterday requesting the ultrasound pictures of our baby. I received a call this morning from them and the woman graciously said yes. Maybe this will help me sleep at night, knowing that our baby will be resting right beside us.
I'm still reminded, in the midst of this horrible nightmare, that God has protected me and shielded me from even more pain that I could have experienced. I was scheduled to go to AFMM on Wed. , April 29. But we had a planned staff meeting that I was hesitant to skip, that's why I did not ask to be excused, so I cancelled the appointment on Tues., April 28th. Well, it just so happened that our principal was very sick and they cancelled the meeting last minute. Inside, I was frustrated, but knew I would be going on May 6th regardless of a rescheduled staff meeting, which they did have.
I say all of that to say, had I kept the April 29th appointment we would have heard our baby's heart beating. So, I see God's hand of protection and I know He was looking out for the both of us. Because shortly after that Wed., the 29th, is when the heart stopped. Again, I don't understand how the heart was beating and then all of a sudden stopped. I still can't wrap my mind around it and probably never will.
I look forward to my husband being home and us looking at our baby. This baby is my angel and will always be remembered as my first.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give to you the desires of your heart."
