My Husband!

We always dream as little girls that one day we will meet our Prince Charming, he will gracefully sweep us off our feet and then we will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after......

Truthfully, I did not ask for any of the above nor did I believe any of the above would "come true." Maybe it was because I was faced with the reality at a very young age that sometimes happily ever after doesn't really happen. I look around and I ask, Where did the effort go? Where did the sacrifice fall? Where did the to death do us part end? Jesus was the only answer I could find. Without Him marriages fail and in some cases with Him marriages fail...So why do we give up so easily? What causes us to say, "It's over?" Are we all so stubborn and so selfish that its all about us and if our needs aren't met then we are gone. Really, I wonder what Jesus is thinking? In the face of death, He didn't run. So why do we? And might I make mention, many of us aren't running because there is a warrant for our death...

Marriage requires us to change. Before it was all about me, me, me! You know what I am talking about :) And now its all about us, us, us! So, yes, change is required in order for the 2 to remain as 1. So this is where I see marriages end. I know its a big word, SACRIFICE. Americans have a hard time comprehending the word sacrifice much less actually doing it. Yet when we look to the greatest "man" that walked the earth, He was all about sacrifice.

So I say all that to say, that God has blessed me ABUNDANTLY with a man who strives everyday to sacrifice himself for me. He lived a life for a long time that was all about him, but he has done an amazing job making it all about me. Is our marriage perfect, are we each struggling with issues that were brought on as a result of our parents, ABSOLUTELY, but at the end of the day, we strive everyday to sacrifice ourselves for each other. And the most important word I can use here is CHANGE. My husband desperatley desires to change everyday, while still holding on to fears that grip him from the past. Change is hard and it requires us to actively change our ways, its not easy. Which explains why many CHOOSE not to change. I can't accept someone who says I can't change....A life lived in the world to a life lived in Christ is a huge example of change. So what is your excuse?

I meant this to be about my husband so here it is...

You truly are the godly man that I prayed for and without you in my life I am lacking. You are my strength when I am weak. You have been my support in many ways. You have enabled me to lift my head when I just wanted it to drop. You've been there for me when no one else was. You constantly strive to make me happy. When I am hurting you hurt. You are a great provider and lover. You are the love of my life! With you I feel secure, safe and satisfied. It's hard to believe that in just a couple of days you got down on one knee. And, yet, here we are, married, in love and living happily ever after. I love you and I know you know. Its obvious, seeing as though I only tell you a million times a day. ;) I promise to continue to put God first and you second because I know that kind of unfailing love will last a life time. True love wasn't modeled before me, but I'm thankful to serve a God everyday who shows me what real love is all about. You are a true example of change. I know you are not where you want to be but know that you are doing a great job getting there! And its because you have a desire to seek change. That is a remarkable quality in and of itself.
I can go on and on but I will stop for now....

I only pray that the love I feel towards you is demonstrated on a day to day basis. I love you with all my heart!
~Jenni~

I'm back....

I know, it has been a while, but I'm ready to blog again!

Well, this is just a glimpse of what last week looked like for Trey and I......

I went back to the doctor's last week for a follow-up and, it wasn't exactly the kind of follow-up I was hoping for. Apparently, I did not "pass" everything and so I was given more medicine...
Come to find out, the reason why I did not pass everything was because I was taking pain medicine that was counteracting the contractions. Wonderful, I know. That explains the difference in the first night versus all the rest. The first night I took the medication I literally felt like I was dilated 10 cm, pushing out a healthy baby boy/girl, NATURALLY. The pain was no joke. Seriously, when the time does come again, lets just say I won't be nominated for a Grammy or an Oscar. I no longer have a desire to deliver naturally.

So, I started the 2nd round of medicine last Thursday and finished Saturday morning. I was suppose to go back to the doctor's tom., but plans have changed. Due to another staff meeting at school, I have to reschedule.....I'm trying not to complain because I only work 180 days out of the year, but the timing of this stinks.
Let me mention that this medicine was nothing like the first go around. The cramping was nothing more than a menstrual cramp, Thank you Jesus. I just pray it was strong enough and that it served its purpose because I do NOT want to have a DNC.
Please, continue to pray that my body is restored and that a DNC does not lie within the near future. Not an option since day 1, and I APPRECIATE my husband so much for not imposing that on me.

Stay tuned for a special blog dedicated to my husband!

Friday afternoon Trey and I headed to Fort Mill, SC, where we celebrated our marriage with my family. I must say, it was the best thing I could have done at that time. We needed to get away, even though I hadn't completely healed physically, it was some kind of fun! Trey and I are extremely blessed to have such large families who love us so very much. It showed by all the support and love that went into our reception Saturday night!

We came back yesterday and are trying to get through this week. Hopefully, it will fly by like last week.

Trey and I have so much to look forward to and we are excited about all the traveling we will be doing over the summer! Don't worry I will fill you in on upcoming blogs!

That's it for now.....

In Him,

~Jenni-Lynn~

Monday's.....

Ok, so, I'm sure the majority of you, working class people, would agree with me that Monday's stink??? I thought so.

This particular Monday for me wasn't any different. It was bittersweet. I had to put my "big girl panties" on, bite the bullet and face reality. All while still coping with the hurt and pain, both physical and emotional, of the reality that I know longer have a healthy, baby boy/girl growing inside of me.

I got to school and had a beautiful plant sitting on my desk with a card from one of my students parent, along with dozens and dozens of sweet, home-made cards from my kids. This was obviously the sweet from the bittersweet. I sat there and cried as I read the beautiful, innocent words coming from 11 and 12 years old. Words of encouragement, love and hope along with Bible verses such as this one, "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" Psalm 100:5

I received hugs, after hugs, after hugs. Along with comments like, "Mrs. Sheneman don't cry God has given you, us for now, we are your "babies." I mean, seriously, lets just say this is not when the crying stopped. I was embraced, loved and reminded that God had surrounded me with his promise and it was evident.

Psalm 128:1-4 & 6a

"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord...and may you live to see your children's children!!" AMEN

Truthfully, I could not have asked for a better career. I am constantly reminded all day, everyday of God's provision and God's faithfulness, based on the beautiful children I see everyday.
I was not only embraced by my kids, but also my principal and many teachers. Some with just a hug and "I love you," while others a rub on the back because they had no words to say and those quiet touches were just as equally good. Overall, it was a good day. I was still in pain and reaping the affects of what I lost, but its getting better and I know, "Everything's going to be alright."

I've appreciated ALL of your prayers, they definitely have been felt and treasured.

To Dad & Mom: We are blessed to have you as parents and most importantly godly parents.
Mom- I appreciate your compassion and love towards me. This situation has allowed me to trust and feel secure in the arms of a mother's love. Next time open the door because whether I realized it or not I needed you!
Dad- I know you've been at a loss for words and that's ok. I know you love me and are sorry for what Trey and I have endured. I'm sure as a parent this is one situation that if you could fix it, you would. You're sweet hugs were HUGE and much appreciated.
We love you both very much.

To Joey & Stacey: You've both been very loving and compassionate during this whole situation.
Stacey- Although I did not ask you to take a half-day and drive to Henry County, its probably a good thing you did. You've shown me, that when it comes to love, jumping through hoops is necessary because "when one of us hurts, we all hurt." Love you and thank you!
Joey- A man of few words, but when you speak, you crack us all up. Thank you for a hug and a "how are you feeling," it was just enough!
We love you both very much.

To Brad & Lanie Beth: Your friendship is our blessing from the Lord and we love you both more than you can imagine. You two are incredible. You have a heart for the hurting and a love for God's children. It's evident in your lives on a daily basis. You have bent over backwards for Trey and I, while still going about the daily ins and out of your own lives. THANK YOU...Can't you see why we chose the both of you?!?!? :)

To Blake & Sabrina: Your friendship is treasured. You two are sweet as pie. Scary, at times, to think my husband and Blake are exactly the same but, Blake, you are good for my Trey. Of course, with healthy boundaries, y'all are a "good fit." Sabrina, your a blessing to me...even when I didn't answer your calls or return your text. You were still in my heart and thoughts! We love you and appreciate all you've done for us.

To those I have not included, you are not forgotten. You are a blessing to Trey and I whether I have plugged you into this little "added note." Trey and I are blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family. May God continue to bless you all.

With Love,
~Jenni~

Happy Mother's Day

Today was difficult, I can not lie. I told my husband I would do my best to put a happy face on but I couldn't fight back some tears. We spent the day with Trey's family in Madison. Had a picnic at the park, ate some fried chicken and watched the kids play. As many times I have seen my niece and nephew, seeing them today was so difficult. They are healthy, beautiful and very much active, which I am so glad for, but all I kept thinking about was my little one.
At some point today Trey and I were sitting on the couch when Tripp glanced at my tummy and said, "baby," I cried. Trey had to tell him that he/she was with Jesus. Tripp didn't get it but that's OK.

Needless to say, I "survived."

I was glad Trey got to spend some time with his momma, as she understands what it means to have a child taken from her way too soon too. She lost her first son, Stevie, when he was only 11 in a tragic accident. I realize so much more why God choose Trey to be my husband and Deb to be my mother-in-law. I am blessed.

I want to take this time to recognize and honor an amazing mother. Although she is not my mother, she is my grandmother, my Nana. This Mother's Day was difficult for her as well. She has 3 children, one of which is my mom, and yet 2 out of her 3 children consciously made the decision not to send a card or even bother to pick up the phone. Some mother's amaze me, that's all I can say. My Nana is a godly woman who has literally been through hell and back, for what, I couldn't even tell you. (Another question I feel the need to ask God about.)
She did the best she could raising her children, a single parent, with no help from their father. Yet, all of a sudden they find their father and choose to listen and agree to his "side" of the story.
"Who raised you, who provided food for you and who put clothes on your back..." I think the answer to the side of the story should be pretty obvious... Don't get me wrong, I am all about forgiveness, but don't turn your back on the one who provided for you and was there all along.

The whole situation is extremely sad but I just ask that you would pray for my Nana, pray for my family. Her name is Elizabeth McKuhen. Pray for healing in her life and the strength to face each day. She deserves so much but has seemed to be given the "short end of the stick." But I know that one day (when she is like a 100) when she meets Jesus face to face he will have an amazing crown of jewels for her. Because she has done her best to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Happy Mother's Day, Nana!

To all the mommas who have lost their babies, I know, it hurts. To all the mommas who can't or are struggling to become pregnant, hold on to the promises in God's word.

And to all those mommas who have already been blessed with children, look at them each day and say, "Thank you, Jesus, I am blessed." Complain less because you are blessed. Stop to think about those women who would love to be up with their baby all night, who would give anything to feed them at their breast and who would give their life up for the sake of their child. You are blessed!

To my angel, know that mommy and daddy love you. We know you are protected and safe! Thank you for allowing me to be your mommy, even if it was just for a little while in my tummy. You brought me so much joy! BIG XOXOXOXO's

In Him,

~Jenni~

"It's Happening"

At about 11:00 pm on Friday, May 8th the contractions began. They were bad. Physically I have never experienced this kind of pain, I didn't know what to do. I woke up from the pain and all I needed was my Trey. I couldn't get comfortable, I just cried out for some relief. I went to the bathroom and stayed there. As awkward as that may seem, it was the only "comfortable" place to me. I sat there in agony, tears rolling down my face and my husband desperately wanting to take the pain away, but he couldn't. I asked him if he would get me my Ipod, he willing jumped up to give it to me.

All I could think about was praising the sweet name of Jesus. Trey was willing to sit there with me but I told him, "just go back to bed." He has not slept well either and I didn't want to take away from him anymore. As I sat there, I just cried and worshipped my King, my Lord, my Savior, the Giver of Life. I couldn't believe the relief that overtook my body as I sat there, hands raised, praising the one who gave his life up for me. It was a sweet time I had even in the midst of the storm. It was just me, my baby & Jesus. Nothing, at that point, seemed sweeter to me.

At about 2:00am, still sitting in the bathroom, I called out to Trey, "It's happening." Not sure how long it will take, all I know is that I'm still worshipping my King and giving him ALL the glory!
It seems like the best worship times I have had with Jesus over the years have come when I have chosen to praise him in the storm.

Will you choose to praise Him in the storm?


In Him,

~Jenni~

"Closure"

I'm still waiting....I don't know what's worse at this moment-waiting and expecting or the final outcome. I'm still tossing and turning looking for some relief. I know God says to pray without ceasing but I'm wondering if He has pressed mute on me. My prayers seem to be redundant, I can only speak what my heart feels at the time. And every time it is the same thing.

Closure- do people really ever experience closure? Or do we call it peace-may the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. And are they the same?

My wonderful, amazing, and supportive husband called Atlanta Fetal Maternal Medicine (AFMM) yesterday requesting the ultrasound pictures of our baby. I received a call this morning from them and the woman graciously said yes. Maybe this will help me sleep at night, knowing that our baby will be resting right beside us.

I'm still reminded, in the midst of this horrible nightmare, that God has protected me and shielded me from even more pain that I could have experienced. I was scheduled to go to AFMM on Wed. , April 29. But we had a planned staff meeting that I was hesitant to skip, that's why I did not ask to be excused, so I cancelled the appointment on Tues., April 28th. Well, it just so happened that our principal was very sick and they cancelled the meeting last minute. Inside, I was frustrated, but knew I would be going on May 6th regardless of a rescheduled staff meeting, which they did have.
I say all of that to say, had I kept the April 29th appointment we would have heard our baby's heart beating. So, I see God's hand of protection and I know He was looking out for the both of us. Because shortly after that Wed., the 29th, is when the heart stopped. Again, I don't understand how the heart was beating and then all of a sudden stopped. I still can't wrap my mind around it and probably never will.

I look forward to my husband being home and us looking at our baby. This baby is my angel and will always be remembered as my first.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give to you the desires of your heart."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." James 1:2-4

I have used the above verse so many times before when I have faced many challenges, but this time, this situation it just doesn't seem to make sense...

When my husband and I found out that we were expecting we were ecstatic. I remember it like it was yesterday.. I handed my husband the pregnancy test as I sat there waiting for a response-a smirk, a wink or even a frown. It seemed like minutes had passed and he said, "We're having a baby!" The look on his face was priceless, not too sure what mine was like?
We hugged and I cried and then we proceeded to call family. We couldn't believe it, just like that, so easy! We were married Feb. 7th 2009 and conceived between March 10-15.
There are couples who try for years and years, depleting their back accounts, all for a baby to call their own.....AND, yet, we were so blessed, so "lucky"!

The feeling of nausea had kicked in at about 6 weeks. Throwing up was part of it and almost every time, my husband was there rubbing my back, he was a trooper!
And, yet, I would give anything right now to be sitting on the floor, vomiting into the toilet. The whole time I kept saying, "I can't complain, I know it could be worse." At this point I wish it would have been worse.
The saying, "You don't know what you have until its gone" is resounding in my head right now. I never got to hold our baby, I made it 68 days, yet all I keep thinking is I never had it. I never got to hold Landon Stone or Haylee Grace but my love was already so strong.
There was a life inside of me that my husband and I both created, what a MIRACLE.
Yet, it was taken from us. Why, I don't know and do I feel like I deserve an answer, you betcha'. But the only answer I keep getting is, "Be Still and Know that I AM YOUR God." Really, through all the challenges I have faced, that's your response??? Child, my grace is sufficient! My strength is made perfect in your weakness.

I look at the events that took place over the last couple of days thinking about what it could have been..."WHAT IS IT," my heart cries? How did the heart just all of a sudden stop beating??
I don't know...all I keep getting is, "Be Still and Know that I AM YOUR God!"

I'm nervous about the ending.... I can't sleep as I ponder what the best decision will be for me, leaving the least amount of trauma behind. I don't know and I care not to think about it. But I have to and, yet, I don't want to.

May 7th- My husband and I headed to the doctor's...I didn't know what I was about to face.
I got their, waited, and they placed us in a room. The doctor came in, looking 7-8 months pregnant, really? Out of all the doctor's who were not pregnant I had to get one that was.
She gave us our options-waiting for my response..."Do I have to make a decision now?" We will see you next week or you can call us if you change your mind. Okay.
So they took some blood and scheduled an appointment for next Thursday.
My decision-I will let my body handle it "naturally." I don't even think natural is the proper word yet it's the only word I could conjure up. I don't know the day or time, I just have to wait. I can't believe this nightmare isn't over yet. There is nothing more frightening than having a life-less baby inside of me....I feel inadequate, that I didn't hold up my end of the deal.

At this point, I'm choosing not to be another statistic but hoping and praying that life will be birthed from our baby's death.
I am still coping and grieving and at this time don't really care to speak to anyone except for my husband and God. Please don't take it personal, I just need time.

I will close for now with this. My husband sent it to me and it hit home oh so very much.

Written by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachery Wasik.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say."
A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice"
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear."I wish I could show you,What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay.They'll wait for you with Me,Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart, it's the love you had so much right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, until their time is done.They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"